5/6/16 - 5/12/13

Your Horrible Scope for the week of 5/6/13 - 5/12/13

Aquarius: The winds of change are blowing your way today, but don't put your sail up just yet! what may seem like a slight breeze could turn into a tornado and send you straight to the Land of Oz

Aries: Jupiter, a gas giant, is moving into your house of digestion. This may not be the best week to take that attractive stranger to a Mexican restaurant. Try packing a light dinner in a picnic, the fresh air will only help your situation

Gemini: This week, Uranus is in your house of passion. Take your partner out to a romantic dinner on Wednesday and you'll be sure to get the lovin' you've been craving. Remember, though, romance is always key in situations like these so don't skimp on the candles and smooth jazz.

Virgo: Your romance will blossom this Friday. Whether it is with your significant other, the sexy co-ed you have had your eye on, or Leonard DiCaprio as Jay Gatsby- you will not go to bed disappointed. Just take it slow, because your need for speed can actually bring your romance to a screeching halt (or land you in jail if you're in a public theater and go for Leo on the big screen).

Scorpio: Your social life is booming with Mercury in your 723rd house of friendship. Be alert, Venus will sneak into your 54th house of love and when the two overlap it could mean sparks between friends. Now is the time to express your unrequited love (just keep a bottle of wine in the fridge in case this doesn't go so well.....awkward!).

Sagittarius: When life hands you lemons, you are always the one to grab some water, sugar, and vodka and throw a party! You should definitely celebrate your successes this week, because there will be a lot. However, give your phone to a friend, because your ex doesn't want to read your vodka-infused-texts about how great your life has turned out.

Cancer: Take extreme caution on any day this week that has a chance of rain. Your safety is not in danger, but your social life could take a toll on you on such a day so it is best you cancel your plans to prevent any unnecessary drama. You don't want to be caught in the rain AND unhappy.

Taurus: The rings of Saturn are strongly suggesting that you need to be open with the person you have been hiding your feelings from this week. Do not worry about what their response will be. Telling them the truth will lift a huge burden off of you and maybe even a few pounds (we know that you have been indulging throughout this stressful situation...)

Leo: Your 12th house of love suggests an office romance brewing like the coffee in the break room. Take caution, however... because you may not be the only co-worker on the office to-do list.

Libra: A little heads up: this may not be the week you should kiss and tell. Some things are best kept in the dark until further notice. Pun intended.

Capricorn: A storm is brewing and the stars suggest it is your fault. Take a step back today and examine your actions as of recently. You will need to prepare either an apology or an escape plan. 

Pisces: You are a lucky person. It seems the stars have aligned perfectly for you this week. Blast a little Keith Urban "Who Wouldn't Wanna Be Me?" and enjoy it while it lasts. You are capable of anything this week - even eating pizza every day without gaining weight. YOU ARE INVINCIBLE.

Weekly Outlook for 4/29/13-5/5/13

Here is your weekly outlook (a few days late) for this week:

Aquarius: Pluto is in your 134th house of alcohol, so it's best to tread lightly. Skip out on the tequila shots for Cinco de Mayo and stick with Corona, if not, you know what Joe Nichols says....

Aries: This week, fire and water don't mix so you could have a argument with someone in your life. However, salt and vinegar DO mix- so grab a bag of potato chips and watch a movie or something.

Gemini: Your love life seems like it is a never ending cycle. That will continue this week. What won't continue is your motivation to go to the gym, so your bathing suit body could suffer.

Virgo: Because we live on planet Earth and not on Saturn do not expect anyone to put a ring on it this week. You should, however, blast some Beyonce "Irreplaceable" because you may or may not be mad about not getting a ring.

Scorpio: When the moon rises at night you are at your fullest potential. Expect this for the next 7 nights. Beware, though, when the clouds roll in, your world may be a little dark.

Sagittarius: You may feel overcome with peace this week, because you may or may not have solved a conflict. Enjoy this time of tranquility because with Orion's Belt in your 43rd house of awesome, you are about to rock at life, so things will get hectic.

Cancer: When the sun rises on Sunday you will be faced with yet another puzzling situation right in your face. However, you may want to realize that someone may be hiding the last piece of that puzzle and the only way to resolve it is to get that back on the third sunset or you will be perpetually lost.

Taurus: Don't be afraid to wear that new top this weekend. It may be out of your normal fashion comfort zone, but rumor has it he/she likes you in green...

Leo: Get your life together, Leo! The stars will align for you soon... but the hot mess express has got to pull into the station. Post its, planners, yoga and maybe a walk in the park to clear your head may be your saving grace this week.

Libra: The 2nd ring of Saturn shows signs of a rocky weekend for you. Staying home with a Redbox and a batch of cookies may be your best bet. If, however, you do venture out... do not go alone.

Capricorn: Your love life may come as a surprise this week like a Starburst contradiction. When you least expect it, Cupid will make a May appearance and this person will be impossible to resist. Men, make sure your face is shaved and ladies, your legs are not the front lawn. You're going to want to look your best under the Cinco de Mayo moon.

Pisces: You may feel that no one cares this week, but the truth is your efforts are appreciated by many. Keep doing what you're doing and your persistence will pay off. Also, do not neglect the voicemail you have been avoiding for days. This is something you need to deal with stat.


Disclaimer and About the Authors

Meet Your (self-proclaimed) Astrologers

Well HELLO!

Thanks for checking out Horriblescopes!  Tune in weekly for your completely-made-up-full-of-nonsense-100%-untruthful-hilarious-but-potentially-accurate horoscopes! We have absolutely no authority or expertise in astrology (and actually, neither of us even believe in it...) but for amusement purposes only we will be providing you with nothing but the best of Ashley and Lori for your pure enjoyment. Please take a moment to learn about the authors:

On the Left: Ashley.
On the Right: Lori

Ashley

I guess some would call me a "horoscope enthusiast." And by some, I mean myself and maybe two other people. I read my daily horoscope on twitter, my monthly horoscopes in my trashy women's magazines, and every time I meet a new boy you can be sure I google our signs to see if we are compatible. Turns out, Cancer's aren't compatible with anyone. Apparently we are sensitive and grouchy and controlling (#ReasonsImSingle).

Also, in middle school I thought Tarot Cards were really cool. I actually still have a deck that I got at Earth Magic. They're obviously legitimate. I'd lay them out for my friends, get my trusty "decoder" sheet out and tell them their futures. Then, if we didn't like that reading we'd start all over. Naturally.

My passion for horoscopes stems from my innate idea that I have control over my destiny. So that delusion combined with my enthusiasm and vast experience in tarot card readings make me more than qualified to tell you your weekly outlook.

Sadly, I'm not responsible for the Cancer horoscope- so sorry fellow crabs, looks like it's up to Lori to make us loveable

Peace, love, and happy futures,
Ashley

Lori
In elementary school I was a writer for the Oak Grove Cougars school newspaper. Pretty legit, right? One of my assignments was the weekly horoscopes. From there I grew older and became a pretty big fan of all of the teenie bopper magazines (BOP included) and although I never believed anything I read (except for fun facts about Justin Timberlake), my favorite part of the magazine was always the horoscopes. (I still enjoy Seventeen magazine...)

My interest in "horoscopes" has always been related to the fantasy of a perfect love life. I've always been a fairy tale-hopeless romantic-I love love- kind of girl and of course I wanted my horoscope to tell me my love life would improve under the stars of xx-xx-xxxx date.

Unfortunately, my love life is still lacking and years of horoscope reading never warned me about the crazy people I would meet - therefore...I have plenty of time as a single girl to entertain myself writing horoscopes with one of my best friends.

I hope you enjoy.

Your favorite Sagittarius,
Lori


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